What was the scariest thing Helen Keller ever read?
The waffle iron.
____________________
How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret?
Break her fingers
____________________
What did Helen Keller’s mother do when Hellen said a bad word?
She washed her hands with soap.
____________________
If Helen Keller were psychic, would she call it a fourth sense?
____________________
What did Helen Keller say to the shop assistant when she knocked over a product display in the store?
Just looking!
____________________
How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her?
By walking on her Braille books with golf shoes.
____________________
Why did Helen Keller eat her poop?
She thought it was a candy bar.
____________________
How come Helen Keller didn’t scream when she fell off the cliff?
She was wearing mittens.
____________________
Why does Helen Keller’s husband always yell at her?
Because she doesn’t listen.
____________________
How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
On a blind date!
____________________
Who invented the phrase “once you go black you never go back?”
Helen Keller.
____________________
What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?
Endless love.
____________________
Why does Helen Keller play piano with only one hand?
Because she uses the other one to sing.
____________________
What do you call a serial killer who’s deaf and blind?
Helen Killer.
____________________
Helen Keller walked into a bar.
And a chair. And a table. And a wall.
____________________
Why was Helen Keller arrested for sexual assault?
She was trying to read somebody’s body language.
____________________
What does Helen Keller call the closet?
Disneyworld.
____________________
Did you know Helen Keller had a dog?
Neither did she.
____________________
What was Helen Keller’s favorite game as a kid?
Musical chairs.
____________________
Why was Helen Keller’s life like a box of chocolates?
It was dark.
____________________
What is it called when you blow in Helen Keller’s ear?
Data transfer.
____________________
What type of parties did Helen Keller organize?
Blackout parties.
____________________
How did Hellen Keller lose her arm?
She tried to read the stop sign at 100 MPH.
____________________
How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?
She shouted hysterically.
____________________
What is Helen Keller favorite’s day?
Black Friday.
____________________
Interviewer: Helen, can you describe your friends in a word?
Helen Keller: Quite.
____________________
Why was Helen Keller into LSD?
Because she heard from someone that LSD makes you see things.
____________________
How did Hellen Keller’s parents punish her?
They handed her a basketball and told her to “read this book”.
____________________
How does Helen Keller drive?
One hand on the wheel and one hand on the road!
____________________
What’s Helen Keller’s excuse every time she loses a competition?
She couldn’t see.
____________________
Why did Helen Keller break up with her boyfriend?
She couldn’t see things working out.
____________________
What would John Cena say to Helen Keller?
You can’t see me!
____________________
If Helen Keller fell down in the woods, would she make a sound?
____________________
What do you call Helen Keller punching someone?
Senseless violence.
____________________
Why is Helen Keller’s child blind too?
She always fed it with a fork!
____________________
Where do Helen Keller’s parents have her go when there’s company over?
Disneyworld
____________________
What’s Helen Keller’s favorite movie?
Around the Block in 80 days.
____________________
Why was Helen Keller slurring her fingers?
She was drunk.
____________________
How do you punish Helen Keller?
Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
____________________
Why couldn’t Helen Keller eat her Big Mac?
She was too busy trying to read the sesame seeds.
____________________
Why didn’t Helen Keller change her baby’s diaper?
So she could always find him.
____________________
Why did Helen Keller never show up for court hearings?
She lost her hearing.
____________________
Did you know Helen Keller had a swing set?
Neither did she.
____________________
What do you get when you cross Helen Keller and a Zebra?
A referee.
____________________
How did Helen Keller drive herself crazy?
Trying to read a stucco wall
____________________
What is Helen Keller’s favorite color?
Corduroy and velcro.
____________________
Why did Helen Keller ride a broken roller coaster?
She didn’t see anything wrong with it.
____________________
What do you call Helen Keller’s deaf dog?
It makes no difference; it can’t hear you anyway.
____________________
Why does Helen Keller hate the national anthem?
Oh say can you see.
____________________
Why did Helen Keller cross the road?
What, like she knows where she’s going!
____________________
What did Helen Keller get for Christmas?
Polio! She had everything else.
____________________
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going back there?
Helen Keller: Honestly I didn’t even know I was in a car.
____________________
Why was Helen Keller late for school?
DUI
____________________
What is Helen Keller’s favorite color?
Black
____________________
Why was Helen Keller so good at golf?
She was a 2 handicap.
____________________
Why is it okay to tell Helen Keller jokes?
Because she can’t hear them anyway!
____________________
Did you hear about the new Helen Keller Doll?
You wind her up and she bumps into the furniture!
____________________
How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
Answering the stapler.
____________________
Why can’t Helen Keller jump out of an airplane?
It scares the shit out of her dog.
____________________
Why can’t Helen Keller drive a car?
She’s a woman.
____________________
No seriously why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead!
____________________
What was Helen Keller’s favorite candy?
Skittles. Can’t see the rainbow, but at least she can taste it.
____________________
What did Helen Keller say to the priest?
Nothing, she didn’t know he was there.
____________________
How did the Helen Keller try to kill the bird?
She threw it off a cliff.
____________________
Why did Helen Keller have holes in her face?
She ate with a fork.
____________________
Why was Helen Keller truly an inspiration?
She learned how to read and write despite being from Alabama.
____________________
How did Helen Keller burn her face?
By answering the iron.
How did she burn the other side of her face?
They called back.
____________________
Did you see Helen Keller’s Broadway play?
Oh neither did she.
____________________
Who never cheated in the game Heads up, seven up?
Helen Keller.
____________________
Did you hear about the new Helen Keller Doll?
You wind her up and she bumps into the furniture!
____________________
Why was Helen Keller’s leg wet?
Her dog was blind too.
____________________
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as…
“The most violent book I have ever read”
____________________
How did Helen Keller break her arms?
Trying to read road signs at 40mph.
____________________
Why were Helen Keller’s hands purple?
She heard it thru the grapevine.
____________________
What happened when Helen Keller tried to rob a bank?
She tied up the safe and blew up the guards.
____________________
What did Helen Keller name her dog?
Nymphdrumpherlmf.
____________________
How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her?
They stuck a plunger in the toilet.
____________________
Why didn’t Helen Keller make the football team?
Apparently, ‘blind side’ doesn’t mean what she thought it did.
____________________
I bet Helen Keller was the best at Marco Polo.
____________________
Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines?
They’re painful to look at.
____________________
How do you torture Helen Keller?
Rearrange the furniture.
____________________
How do you torture Helen Keller?
Glue doorknobs to the walls.
____________________
How do you torture Helen Keller?
Put her in a round room and told her there’s a penny in the corner.
____________________
How do you torture Helen Keller?
Put Saran Wrap on the toilet.
____________________
Roses are black.
Violets are black.
I’m Helen Keller.
Everything’s black.
____________________
Have you seen a picture of Helen Keller’s dad?
Neither has she.
____________________
How did she burn the other one-off?
They called back!
____________________
What part of the Earth does Helen Keller not have?
The sea.
____________________
How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
On a blind date!
____________________
What do you call Helen Keller in a pitch-black, soundproof room?
Redundant.
____________________
Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?
From whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriend’s ear.
____________________
What do you call Helen Keller in a pitch-black, soundproof room?
Unnecessary.
____________________
Why was Helen Keller an atheist?
She only believed what she saw.
____________________
Why was Helen Keller late to reach home after school?
She didn’t hear the bell ring.
____________________
What did Helen Keller’s parents do to punish her?
Moved the couch.
____________________
Why doesn’t Hellen Keller’s kid have ears?
She gave them their first haircut!
____________________
What’s Helen Keller’s least favorite song?
Sound and vision.
____________________
Why does everyone enjoy having Helen Keller at bondage parties?
She can never say the safe word.
____________________
How do u shut Hellen Keller up?
U give her mittens.
____________________
What is the most awkward moment when Helen Keller is playing Pin the tail on the donkey?
Her friends aren’t sure whether to blindfold her.
____________________
What was the worst day in Helen Keller’s life?
The day she burned her mouth, and couldn’t taste anything, either.
____________________
Did you hear about the new Helen Keller Doll?
You wind her up and she bumps into the furniture!
____________________
How come Helen Keller can’t have kids?
Because she’s dead!
____________________
How do you mess with Helen Keller?
Superglue doorknobs all over the walls.
____________________
When does Helen Keller know to stop wiping?
Once the toilet paper stops tasting funny.
____________________
How did Helen Keller know she went to hell?
SHE DIDN’T
____________________
How do you tell if Helen Keller is alive?
If you hear something fall down the stairs.
____________________
How does Hellen Keller meet men?
She goes on blind dates.
____________________
Why was Helen Keller’s leg yellow?
Her dog was blind too.
____________________
Helen Keller once farted during a lecture on genetic hearing loss…
The science in the room was deafening.
____________________
Why was Helen a rebellious kid?
She didn’t hear a word her parents told her.
____________________
Why did Helen Keller walk in on someone in the bathroom?
Because she didn’t know it was the bathroom
____________________
How did Helen Keller’s teachers punish her for talking in class?
They made her wear mittens.
____________________
Why did Helen Keller’s dog kill itself?
You would too if your name was sajddddifjlsisdjifiuopoo.
____________________
How do you know when Helen Keller is home?
When you hear somebody falling down the stairs.
____________________
Why did Helen Keller’s last relationship not work?
Her boyfriend complained about how she never listened to his problems.
____________________
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Helen Keller.
Helen Keller who?
(Don’t say anything).
Helen Keller who?
____________________
Why did Helen Keller’s boyfriend have wax on his finger?
Because he was whispering sweet nothings into her ear!
____________________
Which mail does Helen Keller use to connect with her friends and family?
Blackmail.
____________________
What’s the fastest thing on dry land?
Helen Keller’s speedboat.
____________________
Did you know that Helen Keller had a twin?
Yeah, Helen ate her in the womb.
____________________
The new book about Helen Keller is absolutely incredible!
The audiobook is absolutely unintelligible though.
____________________
Who would win in a fight, in a boxing ring? Mike Tyson or Helen Keller with an AK47?
Mike Tyson. Helen Keller never heard the bell.
____________________
Helen Keller is the kind of person to ask you what the time is.
____________________
What happened when Helen Keller ran away from home?
She got lost in the backyard.
____________________
What was the first thing Hellen Keller noticed at the beach?
The volleyball net.
____________________
Did you know Helen Keller had a sister?
Neither did she.
____________________
You failed Helen Keller’s speech class?
It’s okay she’s not a very good speaker.
____________________
Why did the others think that Helen Keller was a rude baby?
She never played peek-a-boo.
____________________
What are your expectations from a Helen Keller movie?
10 hours of black.
____________________
Why did Helen Keller not get the joke about the fish?
Because she didn’t have aqueous humor.
____________________
What’s the favorite fact about Helen Keller?
She could communicate with dead people. They even made a movie about it called The Fourth Sense.
____________________
How did Helen Keller burn the side of her head?
She answered the iron.
How’d she burn the other side?
They called back.
____________________
How do you tell Helen Keller a joke?
Not this way.
____________________
What does Helen Keller say when she touches a basketball?
Dddduhhuuughhhrrrrr
____________________
Why does Helen Keller hate winters?
Her hands get so cold that she can barely speak.
____________________
What was Hellen Keller’s favorite game as a kid?
I spy
____________________
What’s this (slowly waving fingers)?
Helen Keller moaning.
____________________
Why made Helen Keller angry?
Someone suggested she look at the bright side of things.
____________________
Did you hear about Helen Keller’s dating life?
Because she wasn’t seeing anyone.
____________________
How did Helen Keller know something bad was about to happen?
She could feel it while reading a book to her family.
____________________
Why did Helen Keller have no ornaments on her Christmas tree?
Because she always dropped them.
____________________
What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.
____________________
What is Helen Keller’s favorite mouthwash?
Jergen’s lotion.
____________________
Do you know where Hellen Keller lives?
Neither does she.
____________________
What did Helen Keller’s room look like?
She doesn’t know either
____________________
Did you hear that new Helen Keller joke?
Don’t worry, neither did she.
____________________
I won’t allow anyone to Insult Helen Keller’s Accomplishments.
If you say she only became famous due to blind luck, your claim shall fall on deaf ears.
____________________
Helen Keller threw up gang signs her whole life and didn’t even know it.
____________________
What is Helen Kellers favorite Convenience Store?
WAAAWAAA
____________________
Where did Helen Keller work all the live long day?
The braille road.
____________________
Why did Helen Keller get run over by a train…
Because she was standing on the train tracks
____________________
Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in the backyard?
Neither did she.
____________________
Helen Keller has a waterfall named after her, to celebrate her story of learning about water.
It’s named Helen Keller Falls
____________________
What do you call Helen Keller and Ray Charles playing tennis together?
Love forever.
____________________
Why doesn’t Helen Keller go to the beach?
Because she can’t hear the sea.
____________________
Why doesn’t Helen Keller go to an optometrist?
Because she’s dead.
____________________
Why was Helen Keller’s belly button bruised?
Her boyfriend was blind, too.
____________________
What do you call Helen Keller punching someone?
Senseless violence.
____________________
How did Helen Keller parents punish her?
They told her to go find the light.
____________________
How did Helen Keller get a concussion?
She kept on stepping on a rake.
____________________
Why did Helen Keller fail school?
She was bad at language.
____________________
Helen Keller deaf-initely faked it!
____________________
Why does Helen Keller wear skin-tight pants?
So you can read her lips.
____________________
Have you seen a picture of Helen Keller’s Dad?
Neither has she!
____________________
You know, I’ve seen a large amount of Helen Keller jokes.
A lot of them are really offensive.
Oh, she would KILL us if she could hear them.
____________________