Here are the best jokes about hands that we could find. We have gags, one-liners, and even a few good jokes that are sure to make you laugh. So, whether you write with your right or left hand, we have something for you. Get ready to laugh until your fingers fall off and clap your hands.
Funny Hand Jokes
Why did the hand cross the road?
To get to the second hand store.
Why are hands the most reliable parts of the body?
Hands because you can always count on them.
What did the left hand say to the right hand?
Hey, buddy, you’re alright.
What does the Pope use to dry his hands?
A papal towel.
Why did the hand go to the doctor?
It was feeling a little thumb-ly.
What did the cop say to a hand?
You are under a-wrist.
What do you call a hand that’s always on time?
A hand-some clock.
I don’t care what vegans eat.
Cannibals on the other hand…
Where’s my other HAND?
Why did the hand get a tattoo?
To show off its sleeve.
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of Corona.
I am not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
What do you call a hand that’s always telling jokes?
A palm reader.
Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Why did the hand join the gym?
To get in shape for high-five season.
If the world’s human population joined hands around the equator…
A significant portion of them would drown.
What do you call a hand that’s always singing?
A hand-lene Dion.
What do you call a tree you can hold in your hand?
A palm tree.
Why did the hand go to the museum?
To see the handiwork of the ancient Egyptians.
It was so cold in D.C. today…
That I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
What do you call a hand that’s always trying to escape?
A runaway palm.
Who else wants to see a puppet show, minus the puppets?
Let’s see a show of hands.
Why did the hand get a job at the bakery?
To knead some dough.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’.
Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it’s just not right.
What do you call a hand that’s always taking selfies?
A hand-held camera.
Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day.
Husband: Well next time take the car then, silly.
Why did the hand go to the concert?
To see its favorite band.
I did everything with my left hand for a day.
It didn’t feel right.
What do you call a hand that’s always angry?
A fistful of fury.
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
Why did the hand get a job at the hotel?
To make bed hands.
What would the world be like without left-handed people?
Eh, it would be all right.
What do you call a hand that’s always procrastinating?
A delayed hand-gratification.
I cut my hand opening a bottle of sparkling wine.
I guess every rosé has its thorn!
Why did the hand go to the aquarium?
To see the hand-shark exhibit.
If I have 6 oranges in one hand and 7 oranges in the other hand, what do I have?
Really big hands.
What do you call a hand that’s always in the way?
A hand-stacle.
You’ve really gotta hand it to short people.
Because they usually can’t reach it anyway.
Why did the hand go to the party?
To hand out with friends.
I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
I guess I have too much time on my hands.
What do you call a hand that’s always cold?
A frost-hand.
What has 5 fingers, but isn’t your hand?
My hand.
Why did the hand go to the farm?
To help with the hand-labor.
I once grabbed a slippery soap.
It got out of hand pretty quickly.
What do you call a hand that’s always lost?
A hand-tiquities.
My nails are getting too long.
They’re growing out of hand.
Why did the hand get a job at the pet store?
To play with the hand-imals.
Said hello to a guy with really small hands.
What a microwave.
What do you call a hand that’s always in a hurry?
A fast hand.
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
Look, grandpa! No hands!
Why did the hand go to the car dealership?
To test hand-le the cars.
Why can’t T-Rexes clap their hands?
Because they’re extinct.
What do you call a hand that’s always making bad decisions?
A hand-ful of trouble.
Where do pirates get their hooks?
Second hand stores.
Why did the hand go to the beach?
To hand-ten its tan.
How many bones are in your hand?
A handful.
What do you call a hand that’s always breaking things?
A handy-man.
Whoever figured out the ‘days of the month correspond with your knuckles’ thing had too much time on their hands.
Why did the hand go to the park?
To hand out with nature.
Captain Hook is single-handedly my favorite Disney villain.
What do you call a hand that’s always talking?
A hand-talker.
6:30 is my favorite time.
Hands down.
Why did the hand get a job at the construction site?
To help with the handy-work.
I broke my finger today.
On the other hand I am okay.
What do you call a hand that’s always itching?
A scratch-hand.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Why did the hand go to the circus?
To see the hand-balancing act.
What do you call a hand that’s always causing trouble?
A hand-grenade.
Why did the hand go to the museum?
To see the hand-painted art.
What do you call a hand that’s always giving orders?
A command hand.
What do you call a hand that’s always late?
A handful of excuses.
Why did the hand get a job at the airport?
To help with hand-luggage.
What do you call a hand that’s always messy?
A sloppy hand.
Why did the hand go to the theater?
To see the hand-drama play.
What do you call a hand that’s always in the kitchen?
A handy-chef.
Why did the hand go to the gym?
To work on its hand-strength.
What do you call a hand that’s always sleepy?
A doze-hand.
Why did the hand go to the library?
To check out some hand-books.
What do you call a hand that’s always scared?
A hand-trembler.
Why did the hand go to the circus?
To see the hand-springs.
What do you call a hand that’s always playing pranks?
A hand-jester.
Why did the hand go to the science lab?
To learn about hand-genes.
What do you call a hand that’s always feeling sick?
A handache.
Why did the hand go to the art museum?
To see the hand-drawn portraits.
What do you call a hand that’s always winning?
A hand-victorious.
Why did the hand go to the jewelry store?
To get some hand-crafted bling.
What do you call a hand that’s always lost in thought?
A handful of ideas.
Why did the hand go to the zoo?
To see the hand-picked animals.
What do you call a hand that’s always traveling?
A handy nomad.
Why did the hand go to the fashion show?
To check out the latest handbags.
What do you call a hand that’s always telling jokes?
A funny bone.